I was in 4th period art class, I remember the first time I was given praise for my artwork. I knew it was half decent before that, but the reason I kept going was because I just enjoyed it.
I had just come out of a flow state (or rather disassociation, it was high school after all) to this “OH MY GOD! That’s sooo good!” People in my class stopped, came over to me and took me out of this energetic space I had been in.
I shrunk. I hid inside my body. I wasn’t sure what to do. I loved hearing that the art I had created was good, which meant that I was good, but the voice in my head that heard the praise told me I was one step closer to unsafe now.
Something told me that when I became more visible, sought it out, or even said, “I want you to see my art” meant that I was either unsafe or arrogant (or both), god forbid a girl be confident about what she's doing, just so she can get punished for it.
If I took up space I would be seen, and being seen meant that you were unsafe, especially as a woman. Being seen meant that you are more vulnerable.
I had so much evidence for this from the media, to stories of my friends being sexually assaulted at such young ages, I witnessed men around me constantly commenting about and staring at young women because they “got out of line” and “deserved it, because they were asking for it”. Standing out has been represented as “asking for it” AKA, any form of seeking attention in the eyes of the “people”. It was better to just blend in and stay quiet from what I had observed in this fleshy body here.
Speaking up or speaking at all has rarely ended well for women in this grand scheme of history that I was learning, and being visible as a young girl, woman or elder was apparently just all bad. There was no winning, no matter the age.
There was something in me though that still wanted to be seen and to speak up though. To test the "rules" of obedience I would later to find out was The Patriarchy. Something inside me wanted to test the rules set in place. It felt like I was scheming ways to poke at a sleeping lion until it woke. We best be ready to run for the hills if we are to plan such… adventures. It felt naughty like whispering a bad word or writing a bad thought into your journal. Someone might eventually hear or stumble upon it too, but at least then you wouldn't carry the burden inside you anymore.
I wanted people to see me for what I enjoyed doing. I liked to take up space in this world, it feels natural to me to share what I was working on and to delight in sharing joy with others of what this beautiful life was like when you could create what your heart desired. It’s sort of like telling your person about your day; you do actually want them to listen right?
Through time I started realizing that the desire to be seen is also just human. It’s within us to want to emerge from our boxes out into the dangerous waters, and also at the same time to merge into safety with another for protection. How strange it is to be human at all and to be such walking contradictions.
So many women don’t even get the chance to speak up and to take up space in the world and here I was, inspired, ready to fight a fight that was every woman’s, to break down the barriers set up by society to keep us quiet.
I was thankfully inspired by other women in history who spoke up before me and by those who took up space when they were told they were crazy. I was inspired by female artists, pilots, athletes, writers, engineers and scientists that fear is real and it will always be there with you, but you don’t let it direct, drive or even change the radio.
I was taught how to yell at the top of mountains affirmations and beautiful things about myself, my personality, that my body is beautiful and that I am confident in who I am, that I am creative and intelligent and I can do anything I set my mind to (and if you are even for a second thinking that sounds cocky or arrogant, that is the embedded patriarchy. It's not your fault, you're not the only one! How do you think I new what you were thinking?)
I learned from the best to find the confidence within to speak up after being so silent for so many years. I learned that when men bear their teeth, you bear yours back and aim for the balls.
I was born into a privileged life to family that support me, into a privileged country where I can speak as a woman and freedom of speech even exists. I was born with these privileges and I need to leverage them for those that can’t or are too afraid to.
Sadly I still see women around me shrink to please. I see them get small to stay amenable, manageable, meek, and be quiet or to “stay out of the way”. I watched the woman I love the most in this world, do just that and all for a man she would have done anything for. That killed me watching the pain that it brought her and everyone around her.
As I’ve gotten older I have wondered what is it inside me that makes me feel I want to speak up on this. We all want to be heard. We all want to feel safe while doing so. I believe we all know the terrible feeling of staying quiet, forcing ourselves to be small, but I'm sick of watching these women around me shrink. So Im standing my ground and painting large.
I am on a mission and my purpose here on this world is to help women feel confident. To help them learn how to speak up when they feel they don’t have a voice. Its to give back to this energetic flow of bold curiosity. It's the universe supporting and conspiring to lift women out of the small holes that the patriarchy put us in.
Its God’s mission to help women find their voice because it doesn’t serve the greater good to be tiny, it does not serve the collective. It’s Spirit’s will to whisper in the wild winds to every woman here on this earth to speak their truth without fear of consequence, without fear of repercussions, and to stay wild themselves. It is my mission to help women take up that space that they belong in, including myself, because there is no such thing is one way liberation.
Welcome to the Rose Womb Studio.
